Before every Orioles game, Rick Dempsey provides his list of “Keys to the Game.” I confess that I usually don’t get to see them because there just isn’t enough time in the day to work full time, watch the pre-game show, the post-game show, and three or more hours of baseball, plus still have time left for cooking, laundry, or attending to daily hygiene (though I’ve scaled back on these things as much as I can).

I’ll grant that Dempsey may have more experience or be more qualified than I to make a list, but since concern for quality has never been a deterrent to me running my mouth, I’m making my own list. It’s more of a general “Keys to Success” since I’ve been promising all season that we’re going to the World Series, and even I, in all my denial must admit that things have to start happening now if the Orioles are going to fulfill this promise to my one loyal reader (thanks!).

Here we go. Here’s how we get to the WS:
1) Outfit HBP with a bluetooth headset. When he starts losing focus, ring him and talk him through it.
2) Allow Cabrera to pitch more. I don’t know his full story yet, but perhaps we could try him as a starter?
3) Liz, sorry, not ready. Three wild pitches in one game tell me somethin jus ain’t right.
4) Massage therapy. I met this creepy masseuse in February who told me during a very worrisome and uncomfortable massage, between panting (story for another time), that he and some friends used to work for a minor league team. The masseuse’s friend worked for the Cubs and he spouted off a long list of numbers (on which I was able to concentrate only marginally given that the greater part of my attention was focused on devising an escape plan if it came to that, and I was quite sure that it would) about how many fewer injuries the team incurred from the massage and stretching program his friend devised. I promised myself to never set foot in a discount massage parlor again, so I have never seen the dude again and consequently can’t tell you how credible he was, but the idea makes sense. Given the activity of our DL, this may be something our team is missing.
5) Don’t let Burres pitch again unless everyone else on the team, including Roberts, is involved in some freak accident that amputates all their arms.
6) Don’t trade any fielders. Nope. I said, “NO!” Wen ich nein sage, ist nein!
7) Tell the starters to pitch better and not give away so many runs.
8 ) Tell Hernandez to catch the ball.
9) Tell Trembley to keep doing what he’s been doing. We love him!
10) Ditto for JJ and Triple Hot (though for the latter, perhaps some love is not for a strictly baseball reason). Does it matter though? Love is love.

That’s it. Pretty doable, don’t you think?

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